So love sucks. Its hard no matter what or who you try to love. So hard that for the last three months I have been convinced that I want to give up all romantic ANYTHING for the rest of my life. DUMB IDEA. Luckily for me that silly sentiment has developed into a healthy self-first attitude. To even consider a romantic relationship with anyone else I must always love myself more. I did not do that in my last relationship (which was also my first). I happily made sacrifices for my partner because that was the only way I thought I could receive love. Eventually I learned that wasn’t true and in the months since the relationship ended I have realized a lot-about myself and our former relationship.
First, I am still bitter. The circumstances of our breakup and our relationship were young, fast, rocky, guarded, and WAY more (in no particular order or significance). I judge him for his current relationship, his behavior (past and present) and way more. BUT I do recognize that without that relationship I would not have found the version of myself that I love so much! I would still be learning how to appreciate myself and love myself. Yes, I still am dealing with some issues but who isn’t!! Dude, it was dumb of you to dump me cause I’m AWESOME, but its cool, shit happens, and I just hope you end up as happy as I am.
Second, I want to rant for a second about young love. I am 20 years old-not even able to legally drink in the United States!! I think I know a lot and have a lot of experiences but- I DO NOT. And that applies to “love” most of all! Yes, I have been in love and I am so glad to know that feeling. BUT I do not believe that any old feeling of love needs to be fought for tooth and nail. At this stage in my life I just want to set myself up for life. To me that means: loving myself- body, soul, and everything else; discovering my opinions and convictions-I want to stand by what I believe but be flexible enough to change with life; I want a career-I love what I do and want to keep doing it and get paid; I want to feel like I have a home- home, or a space that feels like it is all mine is something I have rarely felt in my life-I lived in my parents home with limited privacy and their rules above all else, I lived in dorms where I had freedom but the room was only mine for a short time, I now live in my first apartment (#firstapartmentconfessions) which does feel more like home than anything else BUT it is temporary, I plan on moving within the next year; I want freedom and independence- I love just going away, by myself or with others, and I want that option whenever I need/want it; and it all comes down to HAPPINESS. Being happy is all I have ever wanted out of life and even as a young woman (before double digits even!) I have known that making myself happy is all that matters in the end and it really doesn’t matter what makes me happy!
Third, I just want to live my life. To me that means that I want to be able to live my life without too much thought for consequences or the opinions of other people. I do not think that I can live without ANY thoughts about consequences or the opinions of others but my goal is to be able to choose the path that is best for me-no matter the consequences or opinons! I have attempted to start that recently, my dangerous don’t mess with me personality has come out of hiding as of late and it is AWESOME. I say what I feel and do what I want. This personality is not always around but she is there and that makes me proud. Too much of my short life has been lived in silence and all I want for the rest of it is to say my opinions and keep on moving. I want to scream my feelings and thoughts to the world and not care if anyone listens or agrees!
This post has just become a stream of consciousness kind of thing-my feelings are getting out and staying out and that is GREAT.
Expression is healthy and I plan to live a very healthy life.